i think i was sexually abused but can't remember

This would qualify as a type of sexual abuse under new laws and regulations here in the UK, see our other article http://bit.ly/abusedefined. I don't know if I'll ever find out, because I was so young. When I think about it all I don’t know what happened, whether I really loved him or not, but ever since the beginning of my long relationship with him I’ve never been the same. vigilance – more jumpy with noises and surprises than others are, not liking certain places/situations/smells/sounds without knowing why, or, in some cases, fear or dislike of sex, secretly not knowing what you really like sexually, suffering confusion around your sexual identity, needing to escape into fantasy in order to enjoy sex, having sexual fantasies where you are abused or raped, constantly using innuendo in conversation, constant low grade illnesses like cold and flu, disconnected from your body, like not knowing how you got bruises or high pain tolerance, feeling dirty all the time and like you can never get clean enough. And someone else talking about trauma would trigger your fight/flight stress response, complete with lots of fear, it doesn’t necessarily mean you shared the same experience as your friend, just that your body is wired to panic when it hears of trauma. It was always my dad’s side of the family. I was also encouraged in therapy to maintain and try to repair my relationship with my abuser, since my “cognitive distortions” were seen as the primary cause of my stress in that relationship. I remember once going across the street to our pastors mothers house who was our neighbor. But also, unless we or someone else had a time machine, there is nobody who can tell you if you were or weren’t raped. I have no memories of abuse, but do know that I was very sexually aware from a young age. But that is not what pushed me to this point. Or am I just thinking it over too much. As a child I always have a foggy memory about being abused … I mean how could a child know about these kinds of things at the time … Growing up I started fetishizing submissive and rape relationships and I even build caracters in my brain who are in a submissive relationship… I HATE sex and i dont want to think of being held but as a child I remember often doing things to myself … I dont have any traumatic feelings when I see that person in real life now and I dont remember it hurting or anyhting back then… Im so confused .. how do I know if I was abused or if it was nothing ? This can then leave our kids feeling anxious as well, as they can sense we are not okay. I was scared. I’m lost honestly and I don’t know what to do. I looked at her for a moment in stunned silence, before I replied, “Me too.” Then we didn’t talk about it for another eight months, until my sister broached the subject again around Christmas last year. They are different) who can help lower the fear reaction. It’s normal to wish we could know what happened in our lives, but it does not help. I’ve recently turned 17 and have suddenly remembered some stuff that happened in my childhood that disturbs me a bit. Sex is not very pleasurable for me. He showed me his, then I got caught lifting up my skirt. But it makes sense for them cuz it happened a couple of times. If not, use as many tools as you can to help you manage anxiety (mindfulness, journalling, sport, art, whatever helps you feel calmer). Or on looking at ways they do seem to know what they are doing, seem genuinely interested in helping, and are doing their best at their job. I remember feeling intense pain and crying so I’m guessing it was penetrative. Because of your age you’d need to get your parents approval – read our article on how to talk to parents about mental health here http://bit.ly/talktoparents. Most schools offer free or very low cost counselling, please see what your school offers and don’t be afraid to go and use the service. I struggle with anxiety/mental health issues, and I have a really hard time trusting men, and I feel really protective of small children. But our gut instinct is that this is from before this young man and you are focussing it all on him because it would be easier to have just one person to be angry at, but it’s actually a much, much bigger story that stretches farther back. People are all unique and one detail like this could mean so many things. I never felt comfortable around men when I was younger. They are left feeling ashamed. I was physically, emotionally and verbally abused by my sperm donor, and have never expexted anything less of him but to have raped me. What we would say we find most interesting here is that you then mention your mother’s response. Otherwise, there is the option of the school counsellor which, however, can seem intimidating. We can feel trapped an life will never change. I often wonder what would happen if I told people the truth. The floor? I’d be very grateful if you could offer advice about those questions or point me to resources that may do so. Point out to them that many teens seek counselling, it’s pretty normal, and you are going to feel better, not to try to blame anyone. Trauma is too powerful. To lose a father, to have a mother to not be emotionally present afterwards, to know that your father supported hurting other children, and to be left with the possibility he hurt you, these are all huge traumas each by themselves, and together would be overwhelming for anyone to navigate. My mother would come into my bed at night, when I was little and touch me all over. After our first sexual encounter, I actually went home and cried because first of all, he didn’t really ask me if he could do it, secondly it sort of hurt, and thirdly I felt extremely guilty. I’m only coming to this realisation now and I don’t really know why I even thought of these memories, I didn’t even remember this until recently. A counsellor will create a non judgmental space for you to process all this emotional pain and learn to raise your self esteem. And another time my best friends brother would always show me his penis and tell me to lick it. As you’ll notice in a lot of other comments, the natural tendency is to focus on ‘what happened to me’. So, naturally I thought it was okay because my mom wasn’t helping or making it stop completely. I get nightmares, disturbed sleep, sudden mood & personality changes, panic attacks and anxiety attacks. We hope you find the support you need, and that you take yourself seriously, you deserve to feel better! So you can stop thinking that and cut yourself some slack. If you are on a low budget, google for free support groups in your area or low cost counselling. My mother would say things that i need to be stimulated. Also, did you know there are free helplines you can call or chat online with, and they won’t leave any trace on phone bills, for example? I was 9.. Hes my friends dad and I’ve always felt terrible and shy near him. My body has been unproportional and im handicapped. I can’t go to a psychologist because my mother won’t take me if i asked she would just start to ask questions and id have to tell her and I don’t trust the school counselor enough since im new at that school. I thought of it as a game but I would then take advantage of the other kids around me…making them feel smaller then me…even tried to “play” with them like Juan did with me. it was usually ice cream melted or a shake. Which is really tragic as it’s bad enough to have a childhood decimated by abuse, but then it also can decimate our adult lives. I don’t know what. You were a child who was manipulated and exploited. Sorry about that. I was diagnosed with ptsd in 2017. I don’t know when the right time would be to have this discussion and I’m not sure if I even need to bring it up in order to have a stronger relationship. I am pretty aware of what is considered sexual assault and how it applies to me but at the same time I feel like I am just over exaggerating it to give myself some sort of sympathy. i should not tell our parents – but I cannot remember what it was that I should not tell. Being… kicked, choked, punched, held down and spit on, attempted to set me on fire, pushed down staircases, pushed into trees and ditches, locked in basements and closets in dark, threatened constantly with death or harm if told, being sexually abused probably weekly for several years, being attacked in my sleep, being hunted down while hiding from him, being taunted in front of other kids by him and he encouraged them to put me down, being told I was worthless and nobody cared about me which is why abuse continued, beaten with sticks or rocks, feeling disconnected constantly as I still do, having my pets abused to prove he would kill them if I told, having live animals set on fire in front of me to keep me silent, and much more. Hi Jamie, we are sorry to hear all this. Oops! Was addicted to matrubating at 10 and never stopped being addicted. I don’t remember anything after that except feeling really guilty or strange. I can’t see anything but I feel, just repulsion, disgust, dirty, someone touching me inappropriately and me wanting to say no but not daring. The mind will spend hours making up stories or possibilities, some might be true, some not. It’s a lot to deal with alone, so we do hope you seek someone to support you!If you really have no money and nobody to turn to do a google to see if there are any charities in your country helping women who experienced abuse. She would quite often refuse to give pocket money and i was to young to have a job i would tell her i needed towels but she would smile and tell me it wasnt her problem and i should have thought of that before. I told my mum and siblings as it was eating me up. We wish you courage! So I got threats that were said are not threats but promise’s that my life will be miserable after my dad dies. At the time I was scared to tell my mom since he was a relative. And find out I’ve found out that I have a sign of having PTSD and I’m sure what to do. Sometimes it’s simply growing up with a parent who has no boundaries, particularly a mother, who does whatever men want, so it’s a learned behaviour. Otherwise, if you want to try group therapy, dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) might really help. It just means you are ready to love yourself, too. The main thing is to think of your own self care and what you can and can’t handle, and to find support to help you. Click here for instructions on how to enable JavaScript in your browser. One of the most difficult ones for me to work out is the bed-wetting into my early twenties. When I was 9 I discovered masturbation (I felt bad like I was too young to do that and there was something wrong in me) My half sister was 14 at the time and I can’t remember why but I ended up talking to her about it and then the confusion starts. And we do know how you feel about wanting clarity. If you feel bad about something, you feel bad about it. This went on til i was 13 and got a paper round. Other options are group therapy or a support group. HI I’m Carina and I was abused when I was a child the time past and I’m married with two kids. I don’t know why I said that but I cried and started having visions of walking into the basement. It does sound like you have all the symptoms of someone who experienced abuse. Is it a possibility something happened that night I don’t remember? Good luck ! As for ever ‘knowing’ what happened, as you can see in the other responses we can’t ever know, unless one day there is a time machine! I don’t have a boyfriend now and my last one, we didn’t really went over the 2nd base. I can't even remember a time when I trusted them. Hi Teri, it all sounds very difficult and painful, sorry you have had to go through all that. whenever someone even lays their hand or even their head on my stomach i tense up and my muscles start moving sort of like im trembling or something, i cannot even do it myself without getting the willies. If as an adult this memory haunts or upsets you, it is worth going to see a counsellor or therapist and talking about it. Always told myself I don’t care because it happened once and it’s not that deep. I agreed, and he took me up to my aunt and uncles room, after I told my favorite cousin we Peanut bye. Once, one of my friends talked about being molested and I just froze, to the point where she stopped talking and asked me if I was okay and I had ever experienced anything like it. Medication pauses the symptoms, anxiety and depression, and is wonderful for helping us cope, but to change the roots of the problem talk therapy is recommended. I am afraid to talk to anyone else. Hi Aisha. I might be open to a different treatment, but every time I’ve tried I’ve been told CBT/DBT are the only treatments available to me and that if I don’t want to do CBT then I don’t really want help at all. Hi Tara, it might be helpful to read through all the other comments in this stream. Again, the brain and memories are tricky, and without a time machine, many of us have to live with never knowing the exact story. I think I’ve been abused, but I’m not sure. When I was a teen (I’m in my 30’s now) my friends would talk about losing their virginity and I felt so ashamed because I didn’t know if I was so I slept with the first person I met at just 15, he was 18. I’m starting to remember things that suggest sexual abuse, but it’s not enough to know 100% sure if it is or even a person. Did you feel you could trust your therapist? Even many small countries now have charities and hotlines set up to help women who have been abused. Hi, I’m a guy I’m 28 years old and I was abused 21 years ago when I was just 7 years old. I also associate children with sex more than is deemed acceptable and this has led me to wonder about it too. I can't remember what happened. You’ve all helped me have the confidence to write this post. And rape fantasies alongside anxiety, depression, and a feeling you have to offer sex, those are pretty strong indicators of trauma. But at the end of the day it makes us feel worse, not better. I remember my sister touching my private parts and simulating dry sex with me and I have never told a single soul on earth that as I partook in it willingly and am ashamed of not understanding what I was doing. And we are sorry to hear you are suffering all this in your life. But to let you know that it sounds like he was manipulating and intimidating you, knowing you were a nervous young girl and choosing to push all your buttons and overstep healthy boundaries. I just know that something did. Sometimes once a day, sometimes once a year. So we’d just say we assume you are with a therapist already, and this is really something to bring to the table in sessions. I ask this due to having sexual problems throughout my life. What I’ve been reading I had all the signs of sexual abuse as a child. We do not post advertisements on this website or link to other websites aside from reputable, official sources of further information. My memories as a child are very limited. “I think it all unfolded in the course of a week,” she says, “but it’s really hard to remember. We reject friends, colleagues, partners, and yes, therapists. Reaching out now can mean this story it doesn’t go any further. Does your school or college offer free or low cost counselling you can access? I remember just knowing what to do, and I’m really scared. I began to feel ashamed of my thoughts, believing I must be disgusting for not identifying what I had been through was wrong. Hi I was told as a teenager that when I was 3 almost 4 years old, my brother 3 years older than me came back home after a week end visit with out dad and we were both behaving off and out of character. Something else that in hindsight is odd, I have quite disordered eating where I often starve myself with the wish to look like a child, I literally want to look like a twelve year old. But what I do know is that when I close my eyes, or stay still for too long, I feel hands grabbing at me, touching me in places they shouldn’t and flashes of blurred images, sensations in my body that just… shouldn’t be there. If you do happen to remember something, you'll already have the support network in place. I used to go on walks with my dad and we’d go fishing, shooting in the forest, he’d build dams with me across rivers, and he’d make swings from trees for me. There are also support groups, and there are are many self help books and websites, but a one-on-one counsellor is the ideal… If you are on a super low budget, take a look at our article on low cost counselling to give you some ideas on where to find it http://bit.ly/lowcosttherapy. It is never ever too late to seek support to deal with trauma. He started kicking the ball with me. I hope to be able to encourage my sister to get some professional support in the future also, but so far she has been reluctant to get therapy. So the question I have for you guys is should I get a therapist that specializes in sexual abuse recovery even though I don’t know for sure if I was sexually abused? I barerly remember anything from my childhood, only very short and foggy memories. My family was very Christian, especially my mom, who did talk to me about sex, but in a very Christian way (it’s for moms and dads, it’s pleasant once it happens and it should happen in marriage and in marriage only). it terrifies me! You need sustained support from a counsellor or therapist you can trust. I don’t know what to do. I think too much about it.I’m scared that some will hurt them like someone did so many times with me and my mom don’t even notice.I don’t want that to happened to them and raised them so weak like my mom did with me .My first daughter is 8 and my second is 4 months.my husband and I let a 13 years old kid stay in our house .he is his bestfriend son I know that is just for a few months but I can even sleep thinking that he will come to my daughters’ room and hurt my babies.I used to take therapy but I missed one so I never call again.but it was a couple therapy.Honesly I don’t know how to protect or let raise my daughters knowing that I have a trauma.Do you think I can cure my self? What matters here is not the label but how it has affected you. This can all happen as soon as the first appointment and without any discussion of trauma at all. The thought of having never been alone with them, gives me an uncomfortable feeling, though I don’t know why. The counsellor at school might be able to help you find someone, or, if you are at college yet, most colleges and universities now provide low-cost counselling for students. I remember being woken up when my dad came to the room ( being 7 I was excited). We’d recommend therapy with someone who is well versed with working with abuse issues. I also have a lot of gaps in my childhood and remember little to nothing of some parts. It could be from the emotional abuse, of course, but I’m wondering if sexual abuse wasn’t part of it. I remember wanting to play a board game with someone who was supposed to be like an older brother to me. I mean, I do cry occasionally but I feel like it’s all useless. In any case, there are indeed people who abuse infants, and it can have the exact same long term effects as being abused later on. Where do I begin? We wish you courage. Infants and toddler… Is there someone you can talk to? This post discusses memory loss and sexual trauma and child sex abuse and PTSD. If the memory is real or not, you have symptoms. Hi BC, it’s absolutely not too late, 52 is not that old either! Any proper therapist would take this all very seriously. I stayed with her for three years. It’s those feelings that need to be processed, for us to truly find the peace so many of us seek after both abuse and feeling abandoned by our parents. What’s sad here is regardless of what happened, you have had an experience that was frightening and confusing, but when you reached out from support you were not given any. I’ve never had sex. Friends, family, etc. However I have started to share my story with my therapist, and it has been helpful to be able to be heard by someone who is trained not to freak out. Is there someone you feel you could talk to about this? Hi Annoymous, children are curious about their bodies and the bodies of other kids. Thank you. We’d recommend you read our connected article, ‘What to do if you suspect you were abused” which gives good advice on how to navigate what you are going through http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse As for ever knowing, many of us never do. Love to all who have shared here, thank you for your bravery. We would guess that probably there are other life experiences that have upset you too, not just this one, and your mind has chosen to focus on this one as it’s the easiest to be upset about. I want to trust her, and I want to let those feelings go, but I don’t know how. I think that she downplays the situation as well, and it doesn’t help that I don’t remember a good amount of what happened. Is there free counselling at your high school or university? I don’t want to look like I’m accusing my dad. It’s ok to have a high sex drive and it’s also ok to like porn. I have always had this faint memory (I think), in the back of my mind, I remember it now and again and wonder if I really experienced it… so… Anyway when I was a little girl five maybe six I went to one of the giant get to get hers we had at my aunts house, and I say giant because my family is the size of a small army. We appreciate that your defence mechanism is to underplay things and get on with life, and it’s of course important to do what keeps you steady and moving forward and not compare yourself to others. And then seek support. In summary, best to read our article on what to do next http://bit.ly/dealwithabuse and then seek support. We’d also say that if it ever gets too much, there are free hotlines you can call, some geared just to teens, with trained listeners on the other end (the Good Samaritans, for example, works in both the UK and the USA). I’ve always hated sex, talking about it and such. But I never gave much reason to as I’m still living at home, finicial dependant most months, pursuing my dreams of nursing etc. These things, as you see, do not just ‘go away’. Any noise makes me jump. Thank you for the reply. There are still too many therapists who do not understand trauma (look at the fact that complex PTSD is only just been recognised and some countries still don’t see it as a ‘official’ diagnosis). Then after that I remeber holding that position I have an unhealthy relationship with food and are on the borders of full-blown bulimia. He said that this was a game I had to learn because we stayed in the hostel and all boys did that. And as I acknowledge that I definately have one – I’m wondering whether I started being like this because a sexual assault event i can’t remember triggered it. If you are by chance in our country, the UK, you can find a list of places to call here http://bit.ly/mentalhelplines. I have always felt as if I was touched as a child. Then it became the normal thing that he would do. And even if you feel you participated willingly, she was quite old and should have not taken the advantage. Hi Liz, unfortunately we can never ‘know’ a lot of the time unless we find a time machine. Neither of these in and of themselves mean you were abused. I get really anxious about touching my female friends, and when my boyfriend looks or acts slightly feminine I cringe. As for abuse, it’s possible. As a child I had a babysitter that had me play games and then try things that could feel good or exciting. Then look at our new article on how to find the support you need as a teen and do reach out for help bit.ly/teenmentalthealthhelp. Ide like to move foward in life and I feel this is going to hold me down substantially unless i can tell someone about it but it seems very embarassing to tell anyone about. Guessing it was a high sex drive, before then, and I felt dirty or wrong being! 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